Sex Instructional Videos – Watch and Learn!

Although it’s evident that people nowadays are educated in the matter of sex, there are still those who need a little bit of help in that department. Whether you’re just starting out to become sexually active, or you’re in a relationship with a dwindling sex life, sex instructional videos may just be the thing you need. Sex can become quite a sensual and pleasurable activity, as long as you know exactly what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Let sex instructional videos teach you a thing or two, and who knows? You might just discover as whole new side to you.

Sex instructional videos are great as it can help you spice up your bedroom routine with your lover. With different tips and techniques that you can learn from these videos, you’ll be able to become a better sexual partner. These videos can also help you let go of your inhibitions and your partner’s as well and teach you to be more confident in your own skin, no matter what body type you have. And because it’s highly recommended that you watch sex instructional videos with your lover, it can also possibly help strengthen the relationship.

You may be thinking, what makes sex instructional vids any different from porn videos? Though both videos will show people having sexual intercourse, you’ll actually learn something from instructional videos as it usually includes a narrative or a step by step guide. Whereas sex instructional videos aim to give you a better understanding of your body and how you can work it during sex, porn on the other hand will just show people having sex. If you think that sex is just like what you’ve seen on porn movies, you’ll be surprised to know that there is more to it than just the act itself. There’s foreplay, there’s romance and there are techniques that can help you make the whole act a mind blowing experience.

If you’re interested to know how you can your hands on sex instructional videos, you have a few choices. Depending on where you live and how your culture perceives sex, you might find it really easy or a bit challenging to acquire these videos. If you have an adult bookstore or a sex shop in your community, you can start your search there. You can also check stores that sell movies and DVDs and look for the adult section.

You can also look for online sites that sell sex instructional vids if you want to shop in the comforts of your own home. Although you’ll find a wide selection of different titles and types online, do take your time in choosing a video for you. Make sure that you check the production company and the description thoroughly if you don’t want to end up with cheap porn that was packaged as an instructional video. Look up reviews on which titles would be best suited for you. Don’t forget to ask your lover’s opinion on which titles to get so that you can come to a mutual agreement on what type of instructional video would best benefit you both.

Can a Sex Instructional Video Help Improve Your Love Life?

Whether you’re young or old, rich or poor, sex is probably one of the most talked about, if not controversial, topics in the whole world. Everyone needs sex, not just for procreation, but for pleasure and strengthening of a relationship as well. You can’t talk about romantic love without including sex in the equation so if you’re currently in a relationship and you want to make your love story last, you should definitely start working on your sex life. But how do you start? Though you’ll find a lot of great ideas online on how you can spice up your love life, there is really only one way that can help you take your sex life up a notch. Want to know what a sex instructional video can do for your relationship? Then don’t hesitate to read on.

Assuming that you and your lover both have open minds towards this subject, a sex instructional video can do wonders for your relationship. But do bear in mind that this option isn’t for everyone. If you’ve just started dating, make sure to have an open discussion with your partner on how he or she feels about using this sort of videos. This way, you’ll be able to avoid causing offense or any awkward moments that may lead to future misunderstandings in the relationship.

Helps You Become A Better Lover

Sure a sex instructional video may not be a necessity in making a relationship work, but it can help you make it stronger. A sex instructional video can help you become a better lover as it can provide you with tips and techniques that will make every sexual encounter worthy to be remembered. From oral techniques to different sex positions, you’ll be able to reinvent yourself as the ultimate lover once you’re done watching the video.

Allows You To Open Your Line Of Communication

Another benefit that you can get from incorporating the sex instructional video into your bedroom routine is that you’ll get a much more open communication line between you and your partner. Just by watching the video together, you’ll feel much more comfortable expressing what you want sexually and your partner will be more open to tell you what he or she would like to try out. When used properly, a sex instructional video will be able to help you form a stronger bond emotionally and physically.

If you’re interested in purchasing sex instructional videos, there are a number of ways that you can easily get your hands on them. First off, check out what your local adult bookstores or sex shops have on offer. Although these shops usually have an extensive line up of different adult videos that you can choose from, make sure that you choose a sex instructional video and not just a porn flick. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of visiting these shops or you just don’t have the time, start your search online instead. The great thing about purchasing online is that you not only have access to a wide array of different titles, but you’ll also get to shop anonymously.

Sexual Abuse–Have You Ever Wondered?

This provocative question/thought begs an answer. Most people, who have asked themselves or someone else asked that question often answer with “Yes, I have wondered, but: “I don’t know who it would have been.” “My Dad would never do such a thing.” “I don’t think so.” “If I was, I would remember.” Or many other variations that leave the question unanswered.

Having worked with hundreds of sexual abuse survivors in the healing process for the past twenty-five years, the answer to the question–Have You Ever Wondered If You Were Sexually Abused?–is 99% inevitably, ‘Yes.’ How can you be so sure, you might ask? The certainty lies within the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is where ‘truth’ of memory is stored.
Furthermore, it is the unconscious mind’s job to push the memory into the conscious mind–thus, if the person ‘wonders’ if they were sexually abused even though they have no conscious memory–it is a clue that the unconscious mind is pushing the information to the conscious mind, so that the wounds can be healed.

What can one do if one wonders, but doesn’t have any definitive memory? Many people believe that ‘What you don’t know won’t hurt you.’ This myth has proliferated many centuries and doesn’t hold true for any issue. Because of a child’s innocence and often dependence on her/his perpetrator, sexual abuse is not only a violation of his/her body, emotional and spiritual boundaries, it is a violation of his/her trust. In this respect, the sexual aspect is secondary. The person she/he trusted with his/her innocence, instead of giving her love, has taken what she/her wanted from him/her, terrorized, hurt, humiliated, controlled, disgraced and shattered his/her perception of him/herself and the relationship with the perpetrator. Although the perpetrator emphasized his love for her/him, he/she perpetrated a violence that did not require force. In this violence, described as love, he robbed the child of the opportunity to develop into a healthy, adjusted adult. The perpetrator abrogated his/her responsibility to care for and protect the child.

This insidious betrayal so profoundly affects a child’s sense of trust that the survivor works mightily to regain fully what is a birthright. Whether the assault occurred once or several times is irrelevant, since the damage is incurred immediately. This damage is profound, extensive and pervasive. Sexual abuse and incest affect every aspect of human development. A soul injury forms as the result of sexual abuse: an injury that time, education, job, money, marriage, children, moving, or divorce cannot heal. An injury so deeply wounding and traumatizing that it requires more resolution than reading books, self-help groups or undertaking intellectual analysis. Children or adults who have been sexually abused, do not ‘get over’ the devastation as they would with the measles or a virus. Without sexual abuse recovery, millions of adult sexual abuse/incest survivors continue to bear the emotional scars.

Think back to your childhood do you have any of the following memories?

o a sudden fear of specific things, people, places (bathroom or –i.e. the room where the abuse took place)?

o act out inappropriate sexual activity or display unusual interest in sexual matters

o temper tantrums, especially coinciding with visits to places or interaction with certain people?

o violent behavior such as: kicking, hitting, biting–survivors feel extreme frustration and anger.

o mood swings, hitting, withdrawal (abused children often feel alone, helpless and withdraw into a shell), culminating into depression.

o difficulties with bed wetting or soiling after 4 years of age?

o nightmares (monsters, being chased or bogey men), fear of going to bed or sleepwalking?

o physical symptoms of sexual abuse such as: vaginal/rectal pain, itching, vaginal/rectal bleeding (bloodstains in underwear or pajamas), discharge, redness in genital area, or bladder/kidney infections

o difficulty walking or sitting

o stomach and digestive problems

o complain of flu-like symptoms or not feeling well frequently

o listlessness (robot-like, sitting quietly and unemotional staring into space until someone or something prompted you to ‘act.’)

o self-inflicted pain (head banging, hair pulling, nail biting, body cutting/carving, frequent accidents (accident prone)

o regressive behavior: baby talk, sudden clinging behavior

o unexplained aggressiveness or rebellion

o inserting objects into genitals/rectum–act out sexual behavior on dolls, toys or other children

o aches and pains, headaches and other psychosomatic ailments

o unusual knowledge and interest in sex beyond developmental level

o panic attacks or anxiety

o beginning stage of eating disorders

o displaying adult or sexualized behavior (walking seductively, flirting, acting and talking like an adult).

o drop in grades, difficulty concentrating

o serious depression

o inability to trust others

o acting out self-destructive behaviors: alcohol and/or drug use, eating disorders

o bathe excessively

o feeling the need to be secretive

o sense of carrying a deep dark secret

o develop strategies for protection such as: layering, wearing baggy or safety-pinning clothes; sleeping on the floor; in the closet, under the bed or blocking your bedroom door

o acting out pseudo maturity

o sexually transmitted diseases

o a dramatic increase in the frequency of masturbation or masturbation to the point of injury

o acting out promiscuously

o serious confusion regarding sexual identity

o an aversion toward opposite sex

o sexual interest in younger children

As an adult have you experienced, but not limited to the following complaints?

o Little or no memory of childhood–age 3 to 12

o Anxiety or Panic Attacks

o Gastrointestinal disorders

o Gynecological disorders

o Vaginal/uterine cancer-women,

o Testicular/prostate cancer-men

o Frequent Headaches (migraines)

o Arthritis (especially hands,legs)

o Joint pain

o Back pain–L3, L4 and/or L5 region

o Eating disorders

o Alcohol or drug abuse

o Phobias

o Depression

o Low self-esteem


o Suicidal thoughts/attempts

o Reoccurring Dreams of threat or entrapment

o Reoccurring Dreams of rats or snakes, being chased by

a man/men or dogs/monsters

o Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately

If you have experienced one or more of these symptoms the chances of your being a sexual abuse survivor or a physical trauma survivor which transcended into sexual abuse aftereffects is exceedingly high.

What To Do: If you wonder or suspect you were sexually abused contact a professional who specializes in sexual abuse/incest recovery and provides a mind, body spirit healing process. Talk therapy is inadequate to uncover the emotional pain, and heal the trauma trapped in the unconscious, muscles and tissue. Furthermore, talk therapy seldom includes spiritual healing–i.e. healing soul injuries. To fully appreciate the depth of this pain, I will quote one of my clients, “Even my blood hurts.” A multifaceted healing–mind, body, spirit process specifically focused on sexual abuse recovery and diligent work is the most effective process; wherein the survivor can replenish their emotional, physical, spiritual identity and empowerment.

Online Dating – The 5 Biggest Mistakes People Are Making And Striking Out

Gentlemen, STOP your engines! Take a deep breath and think about it for a second! What was the first thing you learned back in high school. You know, when girls first started looking good to you. When they stopped being ICCKKY! Play it cool. Don’t seem desperate, and in a way make her wonder: Is he interested in me? Which brings us to our number 1 mistake.

1- Whatever you do, don’t come off desperate. 9 out of the 10 emails I get have these dreaded phrases in them “Please” “I’d give anything to….” “Oh my god I can’t believe” “What will it take” Any guy that seems desperate makes a gal wonder. “Hmm.. Why is this lad having such a hard time meeting women? The famous ” I wonder what’s wrong with him” There must be something wrong with him. Oh well, on to the next guy. DON’T COME OFF DESPERATE!! It’s a huge turn off!

Have you ever tried walking up to a girl in a bar, club or even on the street and pulled your pants down? Of course not. You wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be in prison doing 2-4 for indecent exposure. You know what I’m getting at! Some of you have tried this tactic and no matter how big and beautiful it may be, you struck out! Didn’t you!? The famous number 2..

2- Don’t show ‘em your dingaling prematurely. I once posted an ad in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. The things I saw!! The horror! For example “Hi beautiful, if you like what you see, email me.” “Bet you haven’t seen one this big ever in your life” or the famous “Look how excited your picture made me” Now don’t get me wrong, it’s exactly what I was searching for posting in that section. But you see, women are looking for men. We’re interested in meeting YOU not it. If all we wanted was a weewee, we’d buy one at our local adult erotic shop and avoid the headaches. It’s an encounter with someone new we’re looking for. The excitement of the unknown. Make us want it. Don’t just hand it to us on a platter. We want to work for it a little. And don’t forget the obvious fact that with everything we’ve heard on the news, the stories of women getting raped and killed, we’re a little afraid to meet the men that come off as sexual predators. So please, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL INSTRUCTED TO DO OTHERWISE!

So you’ve signed up on a random date site. You’ve put in your alias, your gender, and what you’re looking for. And now you avoid filling in the rest. Thinking that your alias “looking4mate72″ says it all and you don’t need to write anything else about yourself. Right? Did it work? No, it didn’t. Of course not. Don’t overlook number 3.

3- Tell us how interesting you are. If there’s nothing interesting about you, how can you get our interest? Make sense? Out of the 400 words you can enter in the field you chose to write “Hello, I’m looking for sex” well good for you, so is everyone else on here but at least they’re making an effort to attract the women. If you can’t think of anything interesting about yourself, chances are we won’t find anything either. These are the guys that go around saying “You know these dating sites are full of it. There’s no women, it’s all a scam. Dating sites are filled with real women dying to meet interesting dudes. There just don’t seem to be enough of them. Be interesting, and if you’re not, make something up! Make some sort of effort. With today’s technology we’ve been spoiled a little. But when it comes to meeting women, you have to spend a little time and energy. That’s the beauty. But if you can’t grasp this, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to download some beautiful woman on some torrent site in no time. We’re almost there. In the meantime…! keep…. you know.

Uploading your mug shot will probably not get too much attention from the sane women. You know the ones I’m talking about. No smile. The guy is starring into his webcam. You’re not sure if you’re still at the dating site or you accidentally clicked into the FBI’s most wanted list. A picture says a thousand words, make them good words.. number 4.

4- When it’s time to upload your pictures, don’t just turn on your cam and snap away. These have to be the dullest pictures I see. (I’d rather see their johnson, #2). Upload some real photos. A picture of you with your dog, you with friends, you at the beach. Something interesting! Somewhere you’ve been, something you’ve done. You, staring into your webcam, is not interesting at all. No one is going to sit there and go through 34 pictures you just took with your webcam in the dark. Creepy! You need to show us a side of you that’s going to grab our attention! Attraction is what it’s all about. NO MORE WEBCAM SHOTS!

Last but not least.. You’re going to hate this one I promise. But it’s as important or more important than the first 4… Pick a site you like, and become a member.

5- If you’re not willing to pay a few bucks a month to be a member, chances are I’m picking up the bill at the restaurant, bar, club, hotel or motel. The truth is, women rarely browse profiles of the free members that logged in once or twice. We like a little stability. We want to meet someone who’s been verified by the site. Avoids us a lot of trouble. What you’re telling women is; You’re not cheap, You’re a verified user, It’s safe to come in contact with you, you’re serious about meeting someone and again YOU’RE NOT CHEAP! If you can’t afford the membership, how are you going to meet up with me? Where will we be going? You can continue posting on those free classifieds “Anyone want me to pick her up with my car and go at it?” all you want, but you’ll be spending lots of lonely nights. And if it does work, I don’t want to see the gal that responds to that ad.

In conclusion, meeting women online is not that different from meeting women offline. Always remember that these are the same women you see in your everyday life. The difference is, it’s a lot easier to break the ice. So, why are you not succeeding at making that encounter? Is it because there are no women online? Of course not. There are as many women online as there are men. Avoiding these 5 deadly mistakes will increase your chances dramatically. Take advantage of the fact that most men are making these mistakes. There are plenty of fish in the E-SEA. Just remember to use the right bait. I’m currently on 3 dating sites myself. There are lots of single girls still looking for someone interesting to hook up with. I’m one of them. So please, if you come across me, don’t whip it out in my face, unless I ask you to!

Have Fun With Adult Dating Services

When it comes to the dating game, a number of things should be considered as adult dating isn’t the simplest thing in the world; for example, the title itself doesn’t mean have fun while dating adults, but it represents the erotic aspect of the dating game. Still, the important part of the game is to have fun by allowing your naughty side to come out and play; women looking for fun may wear tight clothing or low cut tops to reveal a bit of cleavage and show men what they are missing. A more exposed area of the body would be the neck region, which is highly sensitive and the right kiss can give women sensations that leave them wanting more. However, adult dating isn’t purely about the need for sexual satisfaction but exploring other people’s bodies, fantasies and different types of pleasure.

When you’re in a club or bar on the weekend, you enjoy your time out with friends, colleagues etc; in the same way, you can become the perfect date by relaxing and enjoying what you are doing, rather than focusing on why you are here; good dancers and cooks love cooking and dancing, this is why they are good at their professions. A more simple explanation of this would be that when you love and enjoying doing what you do, you tend to spend more time and effect doing it to get the best results possible. Look at the way gamers play video games, they spend endless hours in front of the t.v trying to get a higher score because they know the results will be rewarding; similarly, adult dating should be enjoyed and seen as a fun encounter- who knows what it could lead to. You may even end up meeting your life partner!

Although a lot of you date to meet your prospective life partners, date because it’s fun, not because you have to. If it is not fun, then would you bother doing it?! No right? If you don’t enjoying dating then don’t just sit through another gruesome date, change it by doing something different. For those of you, who want to cut to the chase and forget the wining and dining part, try erotic adult dating, which is exactly what it says on the tin-EROTIC. It’s a form of dating that doesn’t require dating; a bedroom, sexy lingerie and explicit fantasies will do.

Just a few last points for you to consider- when you date because you enjoy it you allow others to feel good about themselves, also giving you a more than likely chance of a second or third date. When you represent yourself as a fun and happy person, other people will love to bag a date you and before you know it, you’ll be the most popular person in town. If this article sounds too good to be true, than go ahead and try enjoying your next date, you’ll come back thanking the author.

Erotic Adult Lingerie For Women

Often women are so immersed in their outward appearance that they start neglecting what is within. This is the case with many of us women, who are interested in beautifying themselves from the very core, always pay special attention to their choice of under garments. Adult lingerie always had a great role to play in women’s lives.

Adult lingerie comes in a wide variety of sizes and shape. So whether you are a skinny sexy lass or a plus size with alluring curves you can easily choose your adult lingerie from this wide range of sizes. They also offer you to choose from a variety of designs and cuts.

Whereas some stick to your body like a wet swim suit, some may drape around your curves smoothly like a piece of cloth. Some of them are designed especially for special dresses to be worn by you in different occasions. For example you should wear a strapless bra with an off shoulder dress and similarly. Women of today know very well how important it is to match the under wear with your dress.

It is not just the color but also the design and cut of the dress that determine the kind of under wear that should be worn with it in order to look hot and sexy. The wrong underwear can ruin your effort of dressing up completely! So make sure you pick the right adult lingerie when you wear something out of the ordinary.

However, then you wear adult lingerie, you should be able to carry it out with perfect ease and confidence. If you are shy and uncomfortable wearing it, the lingerie alone can not make you the hot babe. But if you have the figure and are proud of it, wearing adult lingerie will only enhance the eroticism within you and nothing in this world can stop your partner from getting excited.

In fact, adult lingerie is one of the most effective tools to arouse excitement in your partner if things have just got stagnated for sometime. Kinky underwear and sexy bras can make him drool and bring back the passion that he had when he met you for the first time.

They can easily spice up your life in a unique way! So if you are one of those people, who still wear the old fashioned, ordinary, trashy undergarments all the time but are really eager to try out something new and exciting, then it is time for you to switch over to adult lingerie. They will not just change the way you look but also the ay you feel at present. They will rekindle the flame of eroticism in your life and help you to reinvent yourself in a very special way!

The Importance of Telling Your Sexual Abuse Story

Child sexual abuse for most victims is an experience that is both traumatic and confusing. Most of them find it hard to accept what really happened to them, and that’s why most end up having behavioral and psychological problems in the long run. Experts contend that counseling and therapy help the victims move on and heal the wounds of the abuse. However, the first crucial part of the healing process is really about telling the sexual abuse story.

It is quite common for a lot of victims not to disclose what happened. This is primarily caused by fear, embarrassment, or plain confusion. Keep in mind that the victims are children and there is no way for them to respond well like adults. Then again, adult sexual abuse victims have just as hard a time dealing with the trauma. There are quite a number of victims who are not able to move on. They are constantly haunted by the trauma even when they reach adulthood, or years after the actual abuse took place. So how are they going to get past the trauma and painful memories? Part of the answer is sharing and disclosure.

When victims prefer to hide and keep the pain, they will never heal from it. If you are one of these victims, you have to remember that there are actually a lot of benefits to telling your child sexual abuse story. Let’s enumerate them:

1. The experience of being abused results in the devaluing and sudden loss of one’s sense of self. But if you succeed in sharing your story with the people you love and trust, there’s a chance that they can help you understand what has happened to you. Most victims think that by not letting anyone know, they also can convince themselves that the abuse wasn’t really a life changer. Unfortunately, it is. By telling what you have been through, you are also telling them that the abuse really impacted your life and you are ready for the wound to be healed.

2. By telling your story, you are telling the truth. For your entire life, you cannot just live a lie and hope no one will know it. You may actually hide it from others but you can never do the same for yourself. Have the courage to share your story and you will realize later on how the wounds begin to heal.

3. As long as you continue to keep it a secret, you are also putting yourself captive to the offender. Although the abuse has already been consummated, there is no escape as long as you elect not to tell anyone about it. But if you do try to disclose it, people close to you will definitely help put closure to the trauma and start helping you out build a brighter future.

4. If you think telling someone about the abuse puts you in shame, you’re wrong. The best way to get rid of shame is telling your loved ones that you have been abused. If you have the courage to do this, your family will see you as someone who’s strong enough to fight off the trauma and consequences of the abuse.

5. By telling your child sexual abuse experience, you become a good example for all other victims who do not have the kind of courage and strength you have. They will see you as a good example of how victims can actually live normal lives and get rid of the negative effects it has inflicted upon them. It can also potentially save the lives of future victims, if your abuser is still roaming free.

Science Supports the Need for Casual Sex Flirting

Casual sex movies make it all seem so easy. Two people meet up at a bar, share a quick drink, and then are seen passionately bouncing off hallway walls as they try to get each other’s clothes off. But is it really all so simple? And if it is, then why aren’t all bar room hallways bursting at the seams with horny hookups? The answer is…they’re not and the science behind attraction and a woman’s desire for casual sex gives a little insight into why.

In several studies, the original one conducted in 1989 and a follow-up one conducted more recently, both men and women were asked if they would have casual sex with a platonic friend – a friends with benefits arrangement – or if they would have casual sex with a complete stranger. In both studies it showed that men were more likely to agree to a quickie than their female counterpart. So if you are a man and want to get a more favorable response to the question, “Will you go to bed with me?” there are few basic things that you need to understand about the women who are most likely to say yes.

Whether you meet a potential partner through an adult online dating site, through a friend, or in a pub, the basics of getting that person to agree to a one night stand or no strings attached relationship include a little flirting. Yes, even with casual sex you need a little flirting.

Science has suggested two theories explaining what women look for. The first theory reaches back to our caveman roots and the evolutionary reasons for having sex – survival of the species. In this explanation the woman needs to be choosy about their hook up mate since they expect them to stick around to help change diapers and buy formula. They want a man they can depend on.

The second theory is one that we can better get our minds around when talking about casual sex and that is the Pleasure Theory. We are all hardwired to pursue pleasure. This is the type of wiring that you guys need to stand up and take notice of. Yes, woman will be more likely to say yes to a casual relationship when they perceive that they are going to get a little pleasure from it…or more likely, a lot of pleasure. Women want to orgasm and they will be more willing to give it a shot with a guy (or girl) that is likely to provide it.

So let’s put the two theories together and create a better mousetrap. Guys, if you want casual sex then you need to convince a woman that they can depend on you to give them an orgasm!

How is this done? Well, to discover that you may just want to follow me and get some advice on some good old fashioned flirting and seduction. That is something that never goes out of style no matter if it’s casual sex or true love sex that you are after.

Keeping Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse

Beware of anyone who wants to be with your children more than you do. It surrounds us; everywhere. It acknowledges no boundaries, geographic or cultural. It’s insidious and, at it’s extreme, life threatening. Fighting it is ridiculously simple, yet inexplicably avoided. Child sexual abuse is a criminal behavior that has always been with us and unfortunately always will.

As with overcoming the social reluctance to discuss cancer in the 1960′s, alcohol and drug addiction in the 1970s, the most effective way to counter child sexual abuse is through acknowledging that it exists, educating yourself (which you are doing now) and by talking to your children about it. Seems simple enough, but for some, near impossible. Some parents are embarrassed – for cultural, religious or personal reasons – at the mere thought of speaking to their young children about sex. However sex is the center of our being. As George Michael so famously sang “Sex is natural, sex is good,” and it is in the appropriate setting, between consenting adults. It’s what ensures our survival as a species.

Children have an innate knowledge of their sexuality on their own scale of development. A young child doesn’t need to know the entire life cycle of the birds and the bees; they need to know what is appropriate for their age and emotional level. They need to know what comprises healthy and natural contact with others, particularly adults and more importantly, what does not.

By the age of ten most young children have a fairly good idea of what’s going on. As parents we owe it to them to set them straight before they start trading in the rumors of middle school when they start to hide within their social shell and communication on the subject becomes difficult. By talking frankly to your children you are arming them with the shield of knowledge, self confidence and the ability to protect themselves. Child sexual abuse as a subject needs to be dragged into the sunlight and dealt with as the reality that it is. We have to face the issue head on in order to learn how to eliminate it as a threat to our families and friends. We must face it publicly so the perpetrators of this iniquitous behavior know that they are “on notice”, that they cannot prey on our young.

How prevalent is sexual abuse with children? It’s disturbingly widespread. In some Asian countries child sex abuse is an industry, relied upon for national income. As incredible as that sounds it’s true and it accounts for what is referred to as “sex tourism”. The ‘why’ part of this behavior, is the subject for another article, if indeed there is, or can be, a ‘why”.

Let me set the framework of what we’re dealing with. First let me answer the question most often asked “What are the indicators of child sexual abuse?” Answer: they’re aren’t any. More on this in a minute.

A standard misconception is that most sexual assaults are committed by strangers. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim or the victim’s family. Another misconception is that the majority of sexual offenders are caught, convicted, and in prison. Not true, only a fraction of those who commit sexual assault are apprehended and convicted for their crimes. In fact, the vast majority of child sex crimes go unreported. Most convicted sex offenders eventually are released to the community under probation or parole supervision.

Here are some core numbers: 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know – inside or outside the family. 1 in 4 girls (25%) is sexually abused before the age of 18. 1 in 6 boys (16.5%) is sexually abused before the age of 18. Abusers will victimize as young as infants right up to 16 years old. The amount of sympathy a victim receives is directly proportional to their physical development. An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. This represents a fraction of the true number of abused children. Young victims may not recognize their victimization as sexual abuse. For more statistical information visit the Child website here.

Why are there no tell-tale signs of child sexual abuse? The quick answer is that nature has made vaginas elastic and self-lubricating even in young girls. Anus’s stretch and any lesions quickly heal. Oral abuse does not leave a trace. Semen and sperm disappear fairly quickly. Repeated abusers take care not to hurt the children so as to avoid disclosure. Let’s talk about sexual predators. There are three kinds.

Pedophiles have a sexual preference for children. This in itself does not make them criminals. They get into trouble when they act on their impulses and, for example, start collecting child pornography which is a serious victim-exploiting crime.

If they act on their impulses they become the second type of predator; preferential child sexual abusers. They have no interest in having sex with adults, only children, usually pre-pubescent. These are generally male and have a distinct pattern to their predatory behavior, including recruiting victims – referred to as ‘grooming’ – and retaining them in an ongoing pattern of sexual abuse while ensuring that they do not disclose the abuse. These first two kinds of predators are called preferential; meaning that they have a distinct sexual preference for children.

The third kind is the situational sexual abuser. This abuser is one of opportunity. He or she enjoys having sex with adults and have sex with children when the opportunity arises. For example, when they are left alone with a child, they’re drunk, they’re angry at the child or mother and assault the child to hurt the mother – there’s a long list of reasons. They key word is opportunity.

All three are dangerous to children all the time. What is a distinctive feature in their behavior is their lack of conscience.

How do we identify a predator? Contrary to popular belief, predators do not often skulk around playgrounds in dirty raincoats. They are everyman or everywoman. They live in plain sight among us; sometimes in our own families. They are fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, friends, doctors, soccer coaches, clergy, boy-scout leaders, police, child care workers, therapists, teachers. Not all of these people are child sex abusers but many child sex abusers choose these professions for access to children. The key word here is access. A particular red flag are single parent families which offer predators’ immense opportunity to have access to children under the guise of dating, marriage or being ‘good to the children.’

An important element in the grooming process is the selection of a victim. Many abusers have multiple concurrent victims and, if left to run their life course un-arrested, some will have had hundreds if not thousands of victims in their lifetime. They ‘court’ the child the way adults court each other in a romantic relationship. Gifts, flattery, play, attention, all go into the mix. What the abuser is doing is replacing the parent’s role of providing affection and attention. They often choose as their victims children who have problems communicating with their parents; those whose parents don’t pay enough attention to them. They look to fill that void. They are so good at what they do that parents never suspect their intentions. They also woo the parents to be accepted and trusted with the children. Predators are masters at building relationships. Their biggest problem is not getting the child, it’s getting rid of the child when they become too old and their interest in them wanes.

How do predators and abusers choose their victims? Children in general have certain characteristics that make them ideal victims from the offender’s point of view. Here are some; they are naturally curious; many are easily led by adults particularly when brought up to respect their elders; they have a need for attention and affection (most of us do); some have a need to defy their parents.

The ‘secret.’ As already mentioned recurrent abusers rarely hurt the child as that would encourage disclosure. They encourage the child to understand that the behavior be kept a secret – just between them. They do this by keeping photographs, warning of the embarrassment to the child and family should anyone find our about what has happened; by blaming the child for initiating it; by rewarding the child with gifts and outings; by telling the child that disclosure would break up the family structure; that the sexual abuse is a demonstration of their ‘love’ for the child. On and on. And the child, being a child, believes them. They know no differently. The ‘secret’ is the key component of this disturbing relationship, one that is a cornerstone of a child sexual abusers success and survival.

How do we as parents combat this?

Talk to your children about their bodies and their sexuality; good touching and bad touching. Get over your embarrassment. We are intimately familiar with our genitalia from the moment we are born and curiosity about the same and opposite sex is perfectly normal. And when you get down to it, there’s not that much involved.

Keep the opportunity for one to one contacts between your child and other adults or adolescents to zero. If there is no opportunity for someone to be alone with your child there will be no opportunity for abuse. Be present at doctor visits; at the soccer game; at music practice. Nobody but you has the right to be alone with your child.

Empower your child by acknowledging the presence of their own “inner voice”, the sense they innately possess that something “feels” wrong. And tell them that only they have the power to act when they feel a circumstance is not right irrespective of who is involved. They must know and trust that you will support their actions.

Talk to your family and friends frequently about the subject. Take personal responsibility for your child, don’t delegate it to anyone else. Keep the lines of communication open with your children no matter how hard it can be. That’s their lifeline. Encourage your children’s school to have someone come and talk to parents about this subject. Finally if you suspect sexual abuse of your children or other children report it immediately. That is your responsibility. If you’re wrong you can always apologize. You name is never disclosed. Depending on your area 911 is probably the best first number to call; they’ll give you the abuse hotline number.

An easy to remember acronym to help you remember the elements of keeping your children safe is TOPER – Talk to your children, family and friends. Eliminate Opportunity by not allowing anyone one-to-one access alone with your child, be Present for your child, Empower your children, Report suspected abuse immediately. TOPER. One last word. Predators will do whatever it takes to get access to children including dating or marrying a woman with children; marrying in order to have and abuse his own children; offering to baby-sit the neighbors kids or pick them up from school. They’ll do whatever it takes. For them it’s an urge, an impulse, an obsession, a drive, an incurable compulsion.

Sexual Abuse Attorneys

The term sexual abuse usually refers to any sexual act that is improper and against the law such as rape and sexual assault. Sexual abuse typically happens between a child and an adult. Sexual abuse attorneys represent victims of sexual abuse by priests and other officials of the Catholic Church. Since the 1990s, thousands of individuals have come forward to seek help for incidents that involve the following:

Physical Sexual Abuse (fondling, genital contact, masturbation, and intercourse)
Non-Physical Sexual Abuse (exposure, pornography, and voyeurism)

In most cases, the sexual abuse acts are ongoing and the destructive effects often follow victims into adulthood. A great number of adults across the U.S. are still suffering from mental and physical effects of clergy abuse that include: shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, and self-destructive behaviors. The effects that victims have to deal with for years may not be banished or the events when abuse happened reversed, but they may be able to find closure through the help of attorneys who have experience with sexual abuse cases.

Sexual Abuse Victims Can Obtain Compensations

Victims have legal rights to seek justice and get settlement for the damages inflicted on them by priests or clergy members. Justice often means taking the perpetrators into account for their abusive actions toward their victims; and, in most cases, pay restitution as well.

The Role of the Catholic Church

For many decades, church leaders have tried to keep the clergy abuse cases quiet and out of the public eye. The victims are ignored or paid out to remain silent; while the abusive priests were transferred from parish to parish or sent to undergo brief periods of counseling. But in recent years, as more and more of victims are coming forward; church officials are finally forced to acknowledge the systemic problem and to offer public apologies to victims. The Catholic Church was shamed and offered settlements to cases brought by abuse victims. With the help of sexual abuse attorneys, hundreds of millions of dollars had been paid to victims.

It is hard to put a dollar amount on the pain and suffering inflicted to victims, who were children and youngsters and who had looked up to their priests and clergy members with trust and respect. The innocence they lost can never be restored but obtaining a chance to voice their grievances and receiving financial compensation can help them find peace of mind and rebuild their lives.

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